My Gothic Girl

You asked who is Gothic Girl...I said that it is a long story...

Of course it’s a long story...about two and a half years...

I just couldn’t say to you that moment that You are my Gothic Girl...

You have always been that...and you always be like that...

That night when we sat in car...and you said that your job has been done...

Fuck...it hurted so much...it still hurts...who are you to judge about that...

Those letters...you said that you don’t want to be left...so you must do that...

Do you have any idea how selfish that is...

You once said that you understand me...i can’t understand it...how could you understand me, if you didn’t listened...you heared, but you didn’t listened...

I blame myself so much about that I love you so much...

If I would have been more selfish about you, then i wouldn’t came on that weekend...i wouldn’t had done anything to get out from army to see you...to be with you cause i love you...then we hadn’t been together on that saturday...on that saturday morning...when it all happened...that was the turnstone...that’s when things started to happen...every step what happened i was scared...I just wanted to protect you...protect from anything bad that could happen...i gave my all energy to you....on that point i didn’t anymore to myself...you were my only option...but you didn’t understand it...and i couldn’t tell you that...you always thought me as a strong and brave person...person who could handle every situation...i just couldn’t show you on that point how afraid i was...and i still am...

I’m afraid, that we grow apart...that you don’t realize what kind a person i am...what i do...and where i’m heading...

When that accident happened i gave myself a direction...just because not to lose IT myself...to be your support and show you the way...to help you to recover...recover from that bang...but nobody helped me to recover...and now when you left me...i am recovering...all alone...and no-one will understand my pain...not even you...because if you could understand it, then we wouldn’t gone to fight when our 2 year anniversary was...it was about going to SHRINK...your psycologist...i was afraid to see her...because she would understand that, i am falling apart...and she would have told YOU about that...

Do you wan’t to know why i didn’t communicated with you for a week...because i reloaded my batteries...my feelings...my BEING STRONG again...just to be supportive for you again...

It was very hard me to hear, that you accepted that i’m gone...but it was necessary...because you needed to rise your head again...to accept the world and life with all their mistakes...it was hard me to do like that but that was inevitable...tough love...but nothing there to do...

I sacrified myself for you on that moment...but you didn’t understand that...

I know that never only one side is guilty, but there was things, that should have been logical to understand...

One thing that i know for sure...you still don’t know what do you really want...i don’t know either what i want...but i have seen all that pain and sorrow what you have to experience your own...and i can’t be there for you...anymore...cause you decided to be selfish...

Well be selfish...go and see that world your own...see all that i have seen...maybe for you the world seems a more nicer place...but i doubt that...maybe...maybe...everything is still so MAYBE...

I’ll be always waiting you, my Gothic Girl...my Mary Jane... :)